I had dreaded my 50th birthday. Success in my life was hard to see, compared to others. I longed to know that I could make a difference in other lives through writing. Then I considered creating a website to reach this goal. Using website-builder websites, I pursued this project. However, I kept starting over, making it take more than a year. After my third attempt, I liked what I saw. Excitement gripped me as I poured myself into designing this website. It grew to fill my whole vision. Hours flowed by as I worked. I found myself mulling over more changes to make while sitting in church.
One afternoon last month, I was in the computer room editing my website when the phone rang. While on the phone, I kept glancing at the website on the computer screen. I itched to get back to work. Soon after resuming editing, an error message appeared in bold red type. Alarmed, I also found a purple circle slapped onto my site’s log-in image. Bold red words told me that the site is blocked; contact the support team. My heart hammered. I searched for help but found none. In an old email, I spotted a support team’s help form. The form was sent. Trembling and wiping my eyes, I turned the computer off and left the room.
For the next several days, I checked the website. It still blocked me from seeing and editing the site. My emails to the support team emails disappeared into silence. Nothing helped. I asked myself, had God taken away my website? Tears rolled down my face as I begged God to remove the block.
Two weeks after the block began, I realized that I had made this website an idol. I had offended God. Instead of glorifying God, I had thought of the website as mine. It made me feel important, but insecurity was there too. Comparing myself with others, I came up short. I was afraid to share, yet I needed to share to find affirmation. Focusing on myself trapped me.
That morning, I confessed and repented of my sin and found release. When I checked the website that afternoon, I sat and stared in wonder. The block was gone! Peace soothed my heart. The next day, I was astounded to find the support team’s answer to the first email I’d sent. They said there had been a “technical error,” but I knew better. God had prevented them from receiving anything I posted since then. I thank my Father for his loving discipline.
After the severe discipline, God’s words comforted me. Jesus said that “as the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments ye shall abide in my love, even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love,” (John 15:9,10 KJV). I want to abide in his love and find in him everything I need. I remember what a guest speaker at church told us last year: success is doing what God has given you to do. (John 17:4) That’s what I had been striving for until I got off track.
A favorite Bible verse came to mind. Jesus’ death on the cross cleansed me from sin and made me “accepted in the beloved,”(Eph. 1:6 KJV). He now accepts me completely. I also turned to a reassuring verse God had given me:
“For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end,” (Jeremiah 29:11 KJV).
His thoughts about me are what counts. His views are peace between himself and me, a peace that was bought by Jesus’ blood. He wants me to love, trust, and live to please Him. As I do, he will satisfy my heart.
By Beverly Waller
